A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phone home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing this late in bed?"
"Getting a second opinion."
There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider. She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider." She does, and then he says again, "A little wider, honey."
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it. This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them a little wider?"
So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do, get your balls in too?"
He says, "No, I'm trying to get them out!"
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops.
"I don't know what you're talking about, miss – that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really," she replied. " Then you must have some job because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"
