Contagious

 

 

A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious'. She asks if anyone can use the word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands.

 

"Carl," she says.

 

Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps because they are contagious."

 

"Very good," says the teacher.

 

Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere is contagious."

 

The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie."

 

Then she notices little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?"

 

Johnny says, "The other day me and my dad was sitting around, and we saw our blonde neighbour painting her fence. She had a tiny model car paint brush, and she was going in little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'It's going to take that cunt ages to paint that fence!'"

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned

A man with a huge grin approaches a priest. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," he says. "I've spent the week with seven beautiful women."

"Do not fret, my son," said the priest. "All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass, and drink the juice."

"Will that cleanse my sin from me?" asked the man incredulously.

"No," replied the priest. "But it'll wipe that stupid smile of your face."