The Hearing Aid

 

 

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

I can see Clearly now

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing to it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't get himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: 'I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone.'

Smile

An ingenious example of speech and politics is said to have occurred at the U.N. and to have made the world community smile.
A representative from Israel began: "Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses. When he struck the rock and it brought forth water he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!' He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them."
The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then!"
The Israeli representative smiled and replied, "And now that we have made that clear I will begin my speech."

The Gospill

The pastor kept boring his congregation with sermon after sermon about baptism. Finally church leaders told him to preach on another subject the following Sunday. They chose the subject of pills. Certainly, they felt, there could be no connection between pills and baptism.
So the next Sunday the pastor began, "There are big pills and little pills, also bitter pills and sweet pills, cheap pills and expensive pills. Another pill is the 'gospill' - and that brings me to my real subject, baptism."

Who's Crazy

Whenever you look at a piece of work and you think the fellow was crazy, then you want to pay some attention to that. One of you is likely to be and you had better find out which it is. It makes a lot of difference.

Not So Warm And Fuzzy In New York

John and Mary Smith purchased an old home in northern New York state from Sadie and Alfred Horowitz. Winter was fast appproaching, and the Smiths were concerned about the houses's lack of insulation.
"If they can live here all those years, so can we!" John said to Mary confidently.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and the Smiths woke up to find the interior walls covered with frost. John called the Horowitzs to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a brief conversation, he hung up.
"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

Benjamin Franklin on Liberty and Safety

"When anybody preaches disunity, tries to pit one of us against the other through class warfare, race hatred, or religious intolerance, you know that person seeks to rob us of our freedom and destroy our very lives. And we know what to do about it. Working together to produce an ever-greater abundance of material and spiritual values for all - that is the secret of American prosperity."

"They who can give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety." (Benjamin Franklin, 1775)