Top Male Occupations

Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."

Dentist because he says, "Open wide."

Hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased down or blown?"

Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in the back?"

Interior decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

Police officer because he says, "Spread 'em!"

Mailman because he always delivers his package.

Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush and shoots twice.

It's Butt Light, not Bud Light

A man goes to a proctologist for his very first rectal exam. The doctor tells him to wait in the examination room. Once inside, the man notices three items on the desk: a tube of K-Y Jelly, a rubber glove and a can of beer.

When the doctor comes in, the man says, "Look, Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y Jelly is for, and I know what the glove is for but what's the beer doing here?"

The doctor looks at the beer and turns red with anger. "Nurse," he screams, "I said butt light!"

Sarong Size

An Arab merchant called to a tourist in the market, "Buy a sarong, sir. See, the label says, 'Guaranteed not shrink'." The tourist bought it, but when he washed it the next day, the sarong shrank to half its original size. He took it back and complained to the merchant, "You said it was guaranteed not to shrink."

"The label is written in Arabic," said the merchant, "so you must read it from right to left: "Shrink not guaranteed."

 

On the line

 

"Dad," said a 16-year old boy to his father, "every time I answer the phone and someone is calling you, they think I am you."

 

"You think that's bad?" countered his 13-year old brother, whose voice hadn't changed yet. "When I answer the phone, they think I'm Mom."

Stranded

A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific island for years,

Finally, one day a boat came sailing into view, and the man frantically waved and drew the skipper's attention. The boat came near the island and the sailor got out and greeted the stranded man.

After a while the sailor asked, "What are those three huts you have here?"

"Well, that's my house there."

"What's the next hut?" asked the sailor.

"I built that hut to be my church."

"What about the other hut?"

"Oh, that's where I used to go to church."

Last Wish

 

Three hunters were out on a safari – an American, a Brit and an Israeli. They're captured by cannibals who start getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief told the hunters they each can have ONE LAST WISH.

"What's your last wish?" he asked the American.

"I'd like a steak," he replied.

So the cannibals killed a zebra and served the American his steak.

"What do you want?" the cannibal chief asked the Brit.

"I'd like to have a smoke on my pipe," which they let him do.

Then the chief asked the Israeli, "What's your last wish?"

"I want you to kick my rear end."

"Be serious," said the top cannibal.

"C'mon, you promised," said the Israeli.

"Oh, all right," said the chief, who delivered the requested kick. Whereupon, the Israeli pulled out a gun, shot the chief and a few other cannibals while the rest ran away.

The American and the Brit were furious. "Why didn't you do that in the first place, so we wouldn't have had to go through all this?" they demanded.

Replied the Israeli, "What! Are you mad? The UN would have condemned me as the aggressor."

 

In Good Spirits

 

 

Author Vyvyan Holland used to tell of a great uncle who kept a few bottles of rare cognac for rare old friends. One day his house caught fire, and one fireman in particular behaved with great gallantry. The old gentleman could think of no more handsome gesture than to offer him a glass of the noble brandy. The fireman, drenched by the hoses, took off his boots and socks and said, " Thank you kindly, sir. A very happy thought. I'm a teetotaller myself, sir, but I've always found that there's nothing like brandy to stop you getting a cold," and he poured the precious fluid over his feet.