Get my nails trimmed

 

 

 

 

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.

The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "Why are you here?"

The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The schnauzer asks the poodle "Why are you here?"

The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbour's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.

The great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself."

The poodle asks: "So she brought you here to put to sleep?"

"Oh, no…., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

Contagious

 

 

A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious'. She asks if anyone can use the word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands.

 

"Carl," she says.

 

Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps because they are contagious."

 

"Very good," says the teacher.

 

Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere is contagious."

 

The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie."

 

Then she notices little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?"

 

Johnny says, "The other day me and my dad was sitting around, and we saw our blonde neighbour painting her fence. She had a tiny model car paint brush, and she was going in little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'It's going to take that cunt ages to paint that fence!'"

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned

A man with a huge grin approaches a priest. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," he says. "I've spent the week with seven beautiful women."

"Do not fret, my son," said the priest. "All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass, and drink the juice."

"Will that cleanse my sin from me?" asked the man incredulously.

"No," replied the priest. "But it'll wipe that stupid smile of your face."

Delicate Surgery

D

A married couple were in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

The wife then offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable was from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he was before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty.

One day he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion by her sacrifice. "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything that you've done for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Two Lips and Seven Kisses

There was this old woman who had heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses". She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialling she erroneously called a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have 'Two Lips and Seven Kisses'?"

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"

So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"

To which the man replied, "No, it's average!"

You Make Me Sick

 

A man opened the door of his new luxurious car when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the man was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious car. "Officer, look what they've done to my car!!" he whined. "You people are so materialistic, you make me sick", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your car, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my...........," replied the man, finally noticing the bloody shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my 159 carat of diamonds watch???"

The Golfer

Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.

I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight. I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'.

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my Taylor-made 460 driver.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the PGA superstore?

Signed....

Concerned Golfer