Lack of energy

 

 

"You know," said the pale young man to his friend, "I just don't seem to have any energy – and it's frustrating because I'm trying to write a novel."

"Have you tried chocolate?" asked the friend. It gave Montezuma energy you never dreamed of."

"Montezuma was writing a novel?"

"No. The story goes that he had the biggest harem in the world."

The next time the young man saw his friend, he rushed over and shook his hand. "I can't tell you how much that chocolate did for me!" he said.

"Good, good," replied the friend. "It helped your writing?"

"Writing?" asked the man. "Are you kidding? Who's got the time to write?"

Fast chicken

 

A man was driving 40km per hour along a village road. He noticed a chicken running alongside his car. All of a sudden the chicken put on a burst of speed, passed the car, and made an abrupt left turn into a lane leading to a farm house. Astounded , the driver backed up, turn down the lane, and found the farmer working in the yard. The driver stopped the car and got out and engaged the farmer in a friendly conversation. Unable to contain himself, he asked the farmer about the chicken that could run so fast.

"Yes," said the farmer, "we breed them that way here. They all have three legs!"

"Fantastic," said the visitor. "How do they taste?"

"Beats me," said the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch one yet."

Sign That You Are Getting Old

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9.00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

You answer a question with, "Because I said so."

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You know what the word equity means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car or truck.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

You best friend is dating someone half his age, and isn't breaking any laws.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.

People send you this list.

 

The Old Lady

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast and sat her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed to catch her and straightened her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to the other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here?" "Are they you treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

The Hearing Aid

 

 

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

I can see Clearly now

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing to it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't get himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: 'I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone.'

Smile

An ingenious example of speech and politics is said to have occurred at the U.N. and to have made the world community smile.
A representative from Israel began: "Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses. When he struck the rock and it brought forth water he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!' He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them."
The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then!"
The Israeli representative smiled and replied, "And now that we have made that clear I will begin my speech."