Why Nagging a Husband Doesn’t Work

What a wife says:

"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we don't do laundry right now, you'll have no clothes to wear."

What a man hears:

What a husband hears:

Blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry with that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could have done it, but Nobody realized that Everybody would not do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, Everybody blamed Somebody.

Eight Things That I Have Learned

 

• I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
  
• I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jerks.
  
• I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
  
• I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others – they are much more screwed up than you know.
  
• I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are politicians, members of the major media and celebrities.
  
• I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you are down will be the ones who do.
  
• I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
  
• I've learned that sometimes the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones never seem to go away.
  

Atheist Sees The Light - Almost

 

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all "the accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What beautiful animals! What powerful rivers!" he said to himself.

As he was walking along the river he heard rustling in the bushes. As he turned he saw a 7-foot bear charging him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in.

He tried to run faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run faster, but he tripped and fell. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him.

At that instant he cried out "Oh my God!" Just then, time stopped. The bear froze, the forest was silent, the river even stopped. A bright light shone on the man, and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence all these years, teach others I don't exist, and credit my creation to a cosmic accident and now you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist, ever proud, looked to the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. As the light went out, the river ran, and the sounds of the forest continued, the bear put his paw down. The bear brought both paws together, bowed his head and said, "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

 

Lack of energy

 

 

"You know," said the pale young man to his friend, "I just don't seem to have any energy – and it's frustrating because I'm trying to write a novel."

"Have you tried chocolate?" asked the friend. It gave Montezuma energy you never dreamed of."

"Montezuma was writing a novel?"

"No. The story goes that he had the biggest harem in the world."

The next time the young man saw his friend, he rushed over and shook his hand. "I can't tell you how much that chocolate did for me!" he said.

"Good, good," replied the friend. "It helped your writing?"

"Writing?" asked the man. "Are you kidding? Who's got the time to write?"

Fast chicken

 

A man was driving 40km per hour along a village road. He noticed a chicken running alongside his car. All of a sudden the chicken put on a burst of speed, passed the car, and made an abrupt left turn into a lane leading to a farm house. Astounded , the driver backed up, turn down the lane, and found the farmer working in the yard. The driver stopped the car and got out and engaged the farmer in a friendly conversation. Unable to contain himself, he asked the farmer about the chicken that could run so fast.

"Yes," said the farmer, "we breed them that way here. They all have three legs!"

"Fantastic," said the visitor. "How do they taste?"

"Beats me," said the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch one yet."

Sign That You Are Getting Old

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9.00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

You answer a question with, "Because I said so."

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You know what the word equity means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car or truck.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

You best friend is dating someone half his age, and isn't breaking any laws.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.

People send you this list.