A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phone home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing this late in bed?"
"Getting a second opinion."
There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider. She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider." She does, and then he says again, "A little wider, honey."
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it. This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them a little wider?"
So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do, get your balls in too?"
He says, "No, I'm trying to get them out!"
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops.
"I don't know what you're talking about, miss – that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really," she replied. " Then you must have some job because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"
A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter asks, "What size?"
He says, "I don't know."
She holds up a finger and asks, "That big?"
He says, "Bigger."
She holds up three fingers and asks, "That big?"
He says, "Smaller."
She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's it."
She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, "Medium."
A man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe." She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank."
He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot."
She opens the safe and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it."
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes that the robber is her husband.
He says, "Now you see, it's not so difficult, is it?
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in tenth grade. When they graduated, they wanted to go to the same college, but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend any time they could.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to reply the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So what she did was this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.
Tech Support: "I need you to right click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write "click" and I wrote 'click'." (At this point the tech support had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. He couldn't however, stop giggling when he got back to the call.
Tech Support: "OK, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something silly, right?"
