Young man and his date

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I am actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere," she asked.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Tarzan and Jane

Tarzan has been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.

One day, deep in the wild, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched him in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out to the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard.

In pain she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first."

Second Opinion

A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phone home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing this late in bed?"

"Getting a second opinion."

Open Wider

There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider. She does and they continue.

A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider." She does, and then he says again, "A little wider, honey."

The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it. This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them a little wider?"

So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do, get your balls in too?"

He says, "No, I'm trying to get them out!"

Crowded Subway

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops.

"I don't know what you're talking about, miss – that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really," she replied. " Then you must have some job because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"

Condom – Medium Size

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter asks, "What size?"

He says, "I don't know."

She holds up a finger and asks, "That big?"

He says, "Bigger."

She holds up three fingers and asks, "That big?"

He says, "Smaller."

She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's it."

She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, "Medium."

At the sperm bank

A man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe." She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank."

He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot."

She opens the safe and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it."

After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes that the robber is her husband.

He says, "Now you see, it's not so difficult, is it?