Delicate Surgery

D

A married couple were in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

The wife then offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable was from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he was before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty.

One day he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion by her sacrifice. "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything that you've done for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Two Lips and Seven Kisses

There was this old woman who had heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses". She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialling she erroneously called a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have 'Two Lips and Seven Kisses'?"

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"

So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"

To which the man replied, "No, it's average!"

You Make Me Sick

 

A man opened the door of his new luxurious car when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the man was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious car. "Officer, look what they've done to my car!!" he whined. "You people are so materialistic, you make me sick", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your car, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my...........," replied the man, finally noticing the bloody shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my 159 carat of diamonds watch???"

The Golfer

Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.

I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight. I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'.

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my Taylor-made 460 driver.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the PGA superstore?

Signed....

Concerned Golfer

 

 

 

Young man and his date

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I am actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere," she asked.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Tarzan and Jane

Tarzan has been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.

One day, deep in the wild, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched him in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out to the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard.

In pain she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first."

Second Opinion

A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phone home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing this late in bed?"

"Getting a second opinion."