Sarong Size

An Arab merchant called to a tourist in the market, "Buy a sarong, sir. See, the label says, 'Guaranteed not shrink'." The tourist bought it, but when he washed it the next day, the sarong shrank to half its original size. He took it back and complained to the merchant, "You said it was guaranteed not to shrink."

"The label is written in Arabic," said the merchant, "so you must read it from right to left: "Shrink not guaranteed."

 

On the line

 

"Dad," said a 16-year old boy to his father, "every time I answer the phone and someone is calling you, they think I am you."

 

"You think that's bad?" countered his 13-year old brother, whose voice hadn't changed yet. "When I answer the phone, they think I'm Mom."

Stranded

A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific island for years,

Finally, one day a boat came sailing into view, and the man frantically waved and drew the skipper's attention. The boat came near the island and the sailor got out and greeted the stranded man.

After a while the sailor asked, "What are those three huts you have here?"

"Well, that's my house there."

"What's the next hut?" asked the sailor.

"I built that hut to be my church."

"What about the other hut?"

"Oh, that's where I used to go to church."

Last Wish

 

Three hunters were out on a safari – an American, a Brit and an Israeli. They're captured by cannibals who start getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief told the hunters they each can have ONE LAST WISH.

"What's your last wish?" he asked the American.

"I'd like a steak," he replied.

So the cannibals killed a zebra and served the American his steak.

"What do you want?" the cannibal chief asked the Brit.

"I'd like to have a smoke on my pipe," which they let him do.

Then the chief asked the Israeli, "What's your last wish?"

"I want you to kick my rear end."

"Be serious," said the top cannibal.

"C'mon, you promised," said the Israeli.

"Oh, all right," said the chief, who delivered the requested kick. Whereupon, the Israeli pulled out a gun, shot the chief and a few other cannibals while the rest ran away.

The American and the Brit were furious. "Why didn't you do that in the first place, so we wouldn't have had to go through all this?" they demanded.

Replied the Israeli, "What! Are you mad? The UN would have condemned me as the aggressor."

 

In Good Spirits

 

 

Author Vyvyan Holland used to tell of a great uncle who kept a few bottles of rare cognac for rare old friends. One day his house caught fire, and one fireman in particular behaved with great gallantry. The old gentleman could think of no more handsome gesture than to offer him a glass of the noble brandy. The fireman, drenched by the hoses, took off his boots and socks and said, " Thank you kindly, sir. A very happy thought. I'm a teetotaller myself, sir, but I've always found that there's nothing like brandy to stop you getting a cold," and he poured the precious fluid over his feet.

The Amazing Three-legged Pig

This farmer had a rather large three-legged pig. It was brought to the attention of the local newspaper, and a reporter was sent to interview the farmer.

"Tell me." said the reporter, "how do you come to have a three-legged pig?"

"Well," said the farmer, "this is a valuable pig. One day my four year old son fell into the pond over there, and this pig went running as fast as could be, and jumped into the pond and pushed my son up onto dry ground."

"Well," said the farmer, "this is a valuable pig. One night, we heard this squealing and grunting, and banging on our front door. I got up to see what the ruckus was, and the house was on fire. Thanks to the pig, I was able to save my family."

"Truly unbelievable," said the reporter, "but how does that relate to the pig only having three legs?"

"Well," said the farmer, "when you have a valuable pig like that, you just don't eat him all at one time."

Why Nagging a Husband Doesn’t Work

What a wife says:

"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we don't do laundry right now, you'll have no clothes to wear."

What a man hears:

What a husband hears:

Blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry with that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could have done it, but Nobody realized that Everybody would not do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, Everybody blamed Somebody.

Eight Things That I Have Learned

 

• I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
  
• I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jerks.
  
• I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
  
• I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others – they are much more screwed up than you know.
  
• I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are politicians, members of the major media and celebrities.
  
• I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you are down will be the ones who do.
  
• I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
  
• I've learned that sometimes the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones never seem to go away.
  

Atheist Sees The Light - Almost

 

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all "the accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What beautiful animals! What powerful rivers!" he said to himself.

As he was walking along the river he heard rustling in the bushes. As he turned he saw a 7-foot bear charging him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in.

He tried to run faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run faster, but he tripped and fell. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him.

At that instant he cried out "Oh my God!" Just then, time stopped. The bear froze, the forest was silent, the river even stopped. A bright light shone on the man, and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence all these years, teach others I don't exist, and credit my creation to a cosmic accident and now you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist, ever proud, looked to the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. As the light went out, the river ran, and the sounds of the forest continued, the bear put his paw down. The bear brought both paws together, bowed his head and said, "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

 

Lack of energy

 

 

"You know," said the pale young man to his friend, "I just don't seem to have any energy – and it's frustrating because I'm trying to write a novel."

"Have you tried chocolate?" asked the friend. It gave Montezuma energy you never dreamed of."

"Montezuma was writing a novel?"

"No. The story goes that he had the biggest harem in the world."

The next time the young man saw his friend, he rushed over and shook his hand. "I can't tell you how much that chocolate did for me!" he said.

"Good, good," replied the friend. "It helped your writing?"

"Writing?" asked the man. "Are you kidding? Who's got the time to write?"

Fast chicken

 

A man was driving 40km per hour along a village road. He noticed a chicken running alongside his car. All of a sudden the chicken put on a burst of speed, passed the car, and made an abrupt left turn into a lane leading to a farm house. Astounded , the driver backed up, turn down the lane, and found the farmer working in the yard. The driver stopped the car and got out and engaged the farmer in a friendly conversation. Unable to contain himself, he asked the farmer about the chicken that could run so fast.

"Yes," said the farmer, "we breed them that way here. They all have three legs!"

"Fantastic," said the visitor. "How do they taste?"

"Beats me," said the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch one yet."

Sign That You Are Getting Old

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9.00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

You answer a question with, "Because I said so."

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You know what the word equity means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car or truck.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

You best friend is dating someone half his age, and isn't breaking any laws.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.

People send you this list.

 

The Old Lady

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast and sat her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed to catch her and straightened her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to the other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here?" "Are they you treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

The Hearing Aid

 

 

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

I can see Clearly now

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing to it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't get himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: 'I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone.'

Smile

An ingenious example of speech and politics is said to have occurred at the U.N. and to have made the world community smile.
A representative from Israel began: "Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses. When he struck the rock and it brought forth water he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!' He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them."
The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then!"
The Israeli representative smiled and replied, "And now that we have made that clear I will begin my speech."

The Gospill

The pastor kept boring his congregation with sermon after sermon about baptism. Finally church leaders told him to preach on another subject the following Sunday. They chose the subject of pills. Certainly, they felt, there could be no connection between pills and baptism.
So the next Sunday the pastor began, "There are big pills and little pills, also bitter pills and sweet pills, cheap pills and expensive pills. Another pill is the 'gospill' - and that brings me to my real subject, baptism."

Who's Crazy

Whenever you look at a piece of work and you think the fellow was crazy, then you want to pay some attention to that. One of you is likely to be and you had better find out which it is. It makes a lot of difference.

Not So Warm And Fuzzy In New York

John and Mary Smith purchased an old home in northern New York state from Sadie and Alfred Horowitz. Winter was fast appproaching, and the Smiths were concerned about the houses's lack of insulation.
"If they can live here all those years, so can we!" John said to Mary confidently.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and the Smiths woke up to find the interior walls covered with frost. John called the Horowitzs to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a brief conversation, he hung up.
"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

Benjamin Franklin on Liberty and Safety

"When anybody preaches disunity, tries to pit one of us against the other through class warfare, race hatred, or religious intolerance, you know that person seeks to rob us of our freedom and destroy our very lives. And we know what to do about it. Working together to produce an ever-greater abundance of material and spiritual values for all - that is the secret of American prosperity."

"They who can give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety." (Benjamin Franklin, 1775)

Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren't

10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph's Honkers!
7. Santa's sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real
2. Can I interest you in some dark meat.
1. To get it to stand up straight, try popping it against the wall.