High School Sweethearts

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10^th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend any time they could.

As time went on, the guy would call and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off his back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

Looking For Cheap

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

That's still quite a bit much," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

430.00.

Comparing Childhood Surgeries

Two kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, then when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

A Girl First Time

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refused to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you are afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him – he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyed are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but now you are too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you. You lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty! Naughty!

Excuse me, what were you thinking?

 

Tie for Life

An Arab was walking through the Sahara Desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of ties laid out on it. The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robe." The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!" "OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."

The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. "I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

Top Male Occupations

Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."

Dentist because he says, "Open wide."

Hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased down or blown?"

Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in the back?"

Interior decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

Police officer because he says, "Spread 'em!"

Mailman because he always delivers his package.

Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush and shoots twice.

It's Butt Light, not Bud Light

A man goes to a proctologist for his very first rectal exam. The doctor tells him to wait in the examination room. Once inside, the man notices three items on the desk: a tube of K-Y Jelly, a rubber glove and a can of beer.

When the doctor comes in, the man says, "Look, Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y Jelly is for, and I know what the glove is for but what's the beer doing here?"

The doctor looks at the beer and turns red with anger. "Nurse," he screams, "I said butt light!"