Delicate Surgery

D

A married couple were in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

The wife then offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable was from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he was before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty.

One day he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion by her sacrifice. "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything that you've done for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Two Lips and Seven Kisses

There was this old woman who had heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses". She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialling she erroneously called a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have 'Two Lips and Seven Kisses'?"

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"

So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"

To which the man replied, "No, it's average!"

You Make Me Sick

 

A man opened the door of his new luxurious car when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the man was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious car. "Officer, look what they've done to my car!!" he whined. "You people are so materialistic, you make me sick", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your car, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my...........," replied the man, finally noticing the bloody shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my 159 carat of diamonds watch???"

The Golfer

Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.

I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight. I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'.

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my Taylor-made 460 driver.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the PGA superstore?

Signed....

Concerned Golfer

 

 

 

Young man and his date

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I am actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere," she asked.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Tarzan and Jane

Tarzan has been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.

One day, deep in the wild, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched him in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out to the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard.

In pain she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first."

Second Opinion

A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phone home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing this late in bed?"

"Getting a second opinion."

Open Wider

There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider. She does and they continue.

A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider." She does, and then he says again, "A little wider, honey."

The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it. This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them a little wider?"

So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do, get your balls in too?"

He says, "No, I'm trying to get them out!"

Crowded Subway

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops.

"I don't know what you're talking about, miss – that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really," she replied. " Then you must have some job because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"

Condom – Medium Size

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter asks, "What size?"

He says, "I don't know."

She holds up a finger and asks, "That big?"

He says, "Bigger."

She holds up three fingers and asks, "That big?"

He says, "Smaller."

She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's it."

She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, "Medium."

At the sperm bank

A man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe." She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank."

He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot."

She opens the safe and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it."

After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes that the robber is her husband.

He says, "Now you see, it's not so difficult, is it?

High School Sweethearts

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in tenth grade. When they graduated, they wanted to go to the same college, but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend any time they could.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to reply the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So what she did was this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

Helpdesk Nightmare

Tech Support: "I need you to right click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "OK."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "OK. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write "click" and I wrote 'click'." (At this point the tech support had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. He couldn't however, stop giggling when he got back to the call.

Tech Support: "OK, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"

Customer: "I have done something silly, right?"

Gay Men Have Baby

Two gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible.

So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs. Nine months later, the two men are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except theirs.

"Wow," one of the gay men says, "Our baby is the most well behaved one in here."

A nurse who happens to be walking by says, "Now he's quiet, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his arse!"

Cuckoo Clock

The other night Sam was invited out for a night with his colleagues. He promised his wife that he would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and at around 2:30 a.m., he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly Sam realised his wife would probably wake up, so he cuckooed another nine times. He was really proud of himself, having a quick-witted solution, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. So he really thought that he got away with that one! His wife then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When Sam asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "phew", cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then said. "Yes, I'm safe for now."

Bad Example

One day two loving parent got into a huge fight. The man called the woman a 'bitch' and the woman called the man a 'bastard'. Their son walked in and asked, "What does bitch and bastard mean?" The parents replied, "Ladies and gentlemen."

The next day the parents decided to have sex. The woman said, "Feel my titties," and the man said," Feel my dick." The son walked in and asked, "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied, "Hats and coats."

On Thanksgiving day the dad was shaving and he cuts himself. "Shit," he said. The kid came in and asked, "What does that mean?" and the man said it was the brand of shaving cream he's using. Downstairs the mom was preparing turkey, and she cut herself. "F**k," she said. Once again the kid asked, "What does that mean?" The mom said that's what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the doorbell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said, "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet. My dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen f**king the turkey!"

The Operations

A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby. So after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends three minor operations.

The operation is performed, but a couple of months later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.

But there's still no result, and another couple of months later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities. And this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.

Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was the third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job. I was dizzy for weeks after."

"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability. So I made a connection from your throat to your uterus"

Policeman and Wife

A policeman sent his wife and child to a sea resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife.

"No darling, we can't do it here, what if the kid wakes up?"

"You're right. Let's go to the beach."

They went to the empty beach and started to make love. All of a sudden a policeman ran into them.

"Put your clothes on immediately. Shame on you, you can't do that in public."

"You're right," said the husband, "but it was a moment of weakness. We didn't see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me."

"Don't worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay!"

One Night with Doctor

One Night with Doctor

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few bars. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman agrees to it.

So they go back to her place and he goes into the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and start scrubbing up like she's about to go to the operating room. She scrubs for a good ten minutes. Finally she goes into the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah," says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing!"

He Owes Me

One day a wife is at home alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breast I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a while and figures, what the hell – a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and the guy then says, "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another $100 if I could see both of them together!"

Sara, amazed by the offer, sits and thinks a bit about it. Heck, why not! So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to take a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

A Man is Walking

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.

An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.

The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"

The elderly man answers, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."

The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"

Bouncing on Daddy

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom.

Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh.....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom asks, "Why?"

The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

All About Wife Jokes

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it. 2.Whenever you're right, shut up.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

My wife's an angel. Second guy: You're lucky, mine's still alive.

Adam and Eve

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You are running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs!"

 

 

 

 

 

High School Sweethearts

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10^th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend any time they could.

As time went on, the guy would call and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off his back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

Looking For Cheap

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

That's still quite a bit much," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

430.00.

Comparing Childhood Surgeries

Two kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, then when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

A Girl First Time

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refused to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you are afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him – he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyed are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but now you are too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you. You lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty! Naughty!

Excuse me, what were you thinking?

 

Tie for Life

An Arab was walking through the Sahara Desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of ties laid out on it. The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robe." The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!" "OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."

The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. "I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

Top Male Occupations

Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."

Dentist because he says, "Open wide."

Hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased down or blown?"

Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in the back?"

Interior decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

Police officer because he says, "Spread 'em!"

Mailman because he always delivers his package.

Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush and shoots twice.

It's Butt Light, not Bud Light

A man goes to a proctologist for his very first rectal exam. The doctor tells him to wait in the examination room. Once inside, the man notices three items on the desk: a tube of K-Y Jelly, a rubber glove and a can of beer.

When the doctor comes in, the man says, "Look, Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y Jelly is for, and I know what the glove is for but what's the beer doing here?"

The doctor looks at the beer and turns red with anger. "Nurse," he screams, "I said butt light!"